It’s hard to find words to truly express how hard military deployments are for spouses and significant others. The phrase “Well, you signed up for this” always leaves a special kind of sting.
I try to give grace, as painful and dismissive as that phrase may be, especially during hardships. Grace to those who don’t understand this life.
I try to be understanding because the truth is, it can be hard to reach out and help someone if you haven’t been in their shoes. It can also easily slip people’s minds when their lives don’t revolve around the military. And it doesn’t help that everyone is so busy with their lives.
But for the military spouses and significant others of deployed soldiers, it can feel as if the world is continuing on with daily life, while they may feel forgotten.
This was how I felt….With several combat deployments.
So, how do you help someone when you don’t know how or what they need?
I have been extraordinarily blessed with amazing friends, both civilian and military, who have often stepped up during these rough times, especially when that military curse hits hard. (And yes, that is a real thing!) The help and support during these times will always be remembered.
Here are some simple and unique ways to help your military spouse friends while they are going through a deployment.
1. Check-In
This may sound too simple to matter, but sending a message letting them know you are thinking about them goes a long way! Speaking from experience, deployments can really put you in a bad headspace. It is an emotional nightmare. These check-in messages and phone calls can brighten their day and even offer a window for vulnerability and self-expression.
2. Encourage Self-Care
Self-care can easily fall by the wayside, and if they have kids, it may be non-existent. Can they get out for a spa day or manicures? If they have kids, think of buying some pampering items and gifting them to them.
Simple activities like walking or reading books may be another great option. Encourage them to stick with these self-care activities throughout the deployment.
For great ideas, check out these Great Self-Care Ideas for Busy and Exhausted Moms
3. Bring them Dinner
Our last deployment lasted almost six months, and my husband left when our son was ten months old. I was working part-time and far from my family. My neighbor would frequently make me dinner, which was the sweetest gesture. I’ll be honest: some nights, I was so exhausted I would fall asleep while my dinner was in the microwave.
Bringing them a hot homemade meal is not only a thoughtful gesture but one less thing they need to get done, especially when they have kids. This is an incredible gift.
4. Spend a Day Doing Something Fun
Whether it’s with her or the entire family, plan something fun. They need a great distraction! If the kids are having fun, she will enjoy the experience more! Take a day trip somewhere! Maybe you can plan a mother’s day out with some other friends, and help arrange child care. Or, have a shopping day! There is some truth to retail therapy!
Related Post: How to Plan a Mommy Getaway and Enjoy it Guilt Free
5. Allow them to Vent and Cry
Allow your girlfriend to feel vulnerable and express her feelings. Provide a safe space with no judgment. Military spouses are always trying to keep it together, but it’s so important to let those feelings out. These cry sessions are so therapeutic.
6. Gift a Cleaning Service or Lawn Care
Oh my goodness, would this be a nice gift! See if they use a cleaning service, and gift them a session or two. Are they responsible for lawn care? Consider you or your spouse offering lawn maintenance.
7. Offer Home Maintenance
I swear, without fail, things always start breaking during deployments. If they mention anything regarding home maintenance issues, inquire further. Is this something you or your spouse can help with?
8. Take the Kids for a Few Hours
As a mom of two tiny kids, this can go a long way! It will give her some free time to do what she wishes.
Maybe she wants to sleep, run errands, clean, or relax! This can also be a great distraction for the kids.
When my nanny had to call out sick, a military spouse stepped up to help watch my son while I went to work. It was such a blessing.
9. Plan a Movie Night In
If she has kids, this could be an easy option, and there is no need for sitters. Watch a movie with the kids, or plan a movie night after the kids sleep. Make it easy with a pizza night dinner, and bring wine and cookies for the movie.
10. Invite them to Social Gatherings
Continue to invite them to social gatherings, even if they decline. Deployments are challenging; these invitations will help them feel less lonely and forgotten. It is likely that, at some point, she will accept the invitation.
11. Offer to Run Errands while You’re Out
If you’re running to the grocery store or browsing Target, call and see if they need anything. I had a sweet mil spouse friend who would always bring me Matcha Tea when she was out. It was nothing for her, but it meant the world to me.
12. Organize a Play Date
Mamas, especially those with little kids, really need these play dates! These are important for their sanity. This is an excellent opportunity to spend quality time together while the kids play. Consider a day at the park with a picnic. Or invite them over to the house and have the backyard set up for the kids.
Military spouses are often independent and not great about asking for help
13. Offer Transportation Assistance or Carpooling
My last deployment was an absolute disaster. My car died on the highways almost two hours from home. I sat on the side of the highway for over two hours. I was then without a car, working, and far from family. Not to mention, this was around the holidays. It was horrible.
Thankfully, I had a couple of fantastic milspouses who would coordinate dropping me off and picking me up from work.
Check-in to see if everything is okay with the vehicles. Offer to carpool or pick up the kids from school.
14. Help them Celebrate Holidays
Military spouses can feel lonely over the holidays. Watching families celebrate together and wishing their spouse was here is tough. They may or may not be doing anything special. Invite them over and include them in your holidays. This offer will go a long way!
15. Share a Hobby
Look into picking up a hobby for the two of you to share. It could be as simple as a little book club, walking, or an exercise class. She will be looking forward to it all week, and these hobbies are a great way to practice some self-care!
Check out these Fun Hobbies and Ideas for Busy Moms!
16. Help Celebrate those Milestones
Depending on the occasion, these can be a little more challenging. But for milestones like birthdays, try to celebrate. My husband missed our son’s first birthday, which was devastating for both of us. My neighbors and friends helped plan something small and special to make this day feel special. He even took us out to dinner so my son could have the restaurant experience. This meant the world to me and still brings me to tears just thinking about it!
17. Surprise Them with a Sweet Care Package
Everyone loves care packages. They are such a sweet way of telling someone you love and care about them. Get creative! It doesn’t have to be anything grandiose, remember it’s always the thought that counts! And consider delivering that care package with some beautiful flowers.
The Gift of Thought
These gestures can mean the world to a military spouse and their families during a deployment! I hold a special place in my heart for all those who have helped me get through each one!
If you are unsure how to help, start with this list! I promise, it will make a huge impact, and they will be so grateful!
I would love to hear from you! What is something special you’ve received that helped you get through a deployment?
Leave a Reply